So fast... It has been 6 days since my grandmother passed away. I am glad to be able to be there for the wake through the 5 days... Praise God! Sigh...
I just don't know how to describe my feelings now. I miss my grandmother a lot and I feel so empty, knowing that I will never get to see her again. Many thoughts ran through my mind for the pass 6 days. I remembered how she waved goodbye at me last Saturday. I remembered her last words for me and my brother were "guai guai gao gao", meaning, be good. I remembered how thin she was and how sick she looked. I remembered how strong she used to be. I remembered how lonely she used to be, staying alone all by herself in a big apartment with no one accompanying her during weekdays. I remembered how I used to visit her on Saturdays when I was small. Sigh... All these things will remain in my memory from now on...
My father said that my grandma passed away peacefully and I am glad to hear that. I'm just sad that I was not able to be there with her during her last moments. I guess its my grandmother's death that brings the whole family together. My cousins who lived overseas came back. Even my ang moh nephew and niece came. The whole family was there, gathered together for once. My uncle said my grandmother was worried that the whole family will split after she pass away. But I'm glad to hear that the whole family agreed to meet up for a gathering once a month.
Everything happened so quickly... Time passes so quickly... My whole family was sad. All misunderstandings were cleared today as a family meeting was held at the columbarium where my grandmother's ashes lie. I just hope I can move on from here and just be glad that my grandma has gone to heaven and enter God's kindom...
"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believed in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Through it all
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hands
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I'll sing to you Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hands
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to you
And I wait on you
I'll sing to you Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
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Monday, February 20, 2006
Sigh... My grandmother is really getting weaker and weaker each day. I've been feeling real guilty for the past few weeks. I guess I took my grandmother for granted in the past. I rarely visited her and would even throw stupid tantrums over nothing, making life diffcult for both my parents and my grandmother. My grandmother is really very pitiful. When she was well, not many would visit her and she would live alone, all by herself, in her old apartment. My mother told me that my grandmother told her that she only get to see her children when she is sick. It really saddens me to hear her say that. It makes me feel even more guilty listening to that because it is until now that I start treasuring my grandmother's presence.
I know her time is very short now. She may go anytime now. I will have to be strong and brave through this. God is by my side and I know that God will help my grandmother be peaceful. I don't wish to see her suffer but at the same time, I wish I could do something to pay back all the mistakes that I have done. At least now I learn to love my grandmother more. Praise God for teaching me this lesson. But is it too late for me to make up for the time I've wasted by not seeing her?
I know her time is very short now. She may go anytime now. I will have to be strong and brave through this. God is by my side and I know that God will help my grandmother be peaceful. I don't wish to see her suffer but at the same time, I wish I could do something to pay back all the mistakes that I have done. At least now I learn to love my grandmother more. Praise God for teaching me this lesson. But is it too late for me to make up for the time I've wasted by not seeing her?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
An essay which I was told to write..
This is dedicated to the future recruits of Mohawk Company.
A new chapter of my life began on 8 of December 2005, where I know I will face new challenges and things which I will definitely not get used to. When I first stepped on Pulau Tekong, I have no idea what I will be doing there for the next 13 weeks. All I know is that life will definitely be tough and I will have to face it bravely.
The first few days of BMT seems really long to me because I was beginning to miss home and people back at home; especially my grandmother who is very sick. Even before I entered BMT, I was already facing problems in friendship. Therefore, it was definitely hard for me to try and live the confinement period. My only motivation to carry on with training is home and my parents’ encouragement. Things were not that bad for me through the 14 days of the confinement period. My problem begins during my first book in.
I guess most of us will have this strong feeling during our first book in too. Most of us will definitely feel very demoralized and saddened by the fact that we have to leave our homes and go back for training for another week. I felt terrible on the night where I had to report to Pasir Ris Bus Interchange. The only thing I can tell myself is that I will be out soon as the weekend will come. I told myself that since I have been through 14 days of training, what is that compared to 4 days? My parents did not know how I felt then and I did not want to them to worry about me.
After the adjustment period, training became tougher as we were being punished for anything that we do wrong. I understand that discipline is very important and I accept whatever punishment the sergeants or officers throw at us. However, I was not used to such intense physical exercise and hence, it was quite a challenge for me to brush it off as extra physical training. As time passes, I became more and more fearful of these “extra physical training” which leads me to dread coming back to Tekong before each book in. Also, I began to feel insecure and afraid of everything I do.
Each book in day became a nightmare for me and my parents as I would start to break down and cry. Many would have adapted to the army lifestyle by then but I did not know why I felt dread going bad so terribly. My parents were always encouraging me to be strong and not think so much about training. My grandmother who is sick was also encouraging me, although she did not know that I was facing problems. I guess that further motivates me to persevere through training and accept whatever that comes my way. It was both physically and mentally tiring for me and sometimes I really want to give up because I feel as if I will go mad soon.
It took quite a lot of me to endure through 9 weeks of BMT before deciding to seek help from the Orientation Officer (OO), Mr Chia. I thought that everything would be fine after I went through field camp since it is said to be the toughest part of BMT. However, my grandmother’s condition worsened while I was away and this makes me feel more affected during training. That was when I felt that I could not carry on with training any longer because I would break down most of the time in camp and I feel terrible. The OO referred me to the medical officer (MO) and I was diagnosed with depression. I was given the choice of whether I wish to continue with training or go out of training. The sergeants and officers were very nice as they encouraged me to persevere on for the remaining one month. It took me quite some time before I decided to go out of training because I guess I need this break for me to get my problems resolved before moving on.
All in all, BMT is actually not that bad as you get to learn things you may have not learnt before. For me, it is definitely a new experience and quite an enriching one too. It was my first time holding and handling a real weapon, my first time putting on camou cream on my face, my first time living out in the open for 7 consecutive days without bathing and my first time getting so dirty. All this training has made me tougher physically even though I am still depressed and I will definitely not forget the time I have spent in Mohawk Company.
This is dedicated to the future recruits of Mohawk Company.
A new chapter of my life began on 8 of December 2005, where I know I will face new challenges and things which I will definitely not get used to. When I first stepped on Pulau Tekong, I have no idea what I will be doing there for the next 13 weeks. All I know is that life will definitely be tough and I will have to face it bravely.
The first few days of BMT seems really long to me because I was beginning to miss home and people back at home; especially my grandmother who is very sick. Even before I entered BMT, I was already facing problems in friendship. Therefore, it was definitely hard for me to try and live the confinement period. My only motivation to carry on with training is home and my parents’ encouragement. Things were not that bad for me through the 14 days of the confinement period. My problem begins during my first book in.
I guess most of us will have this strong feeling during our first book in too. Most of us will definitely feel very demoralized and saddened by the fact that we have to leave our homes and go back for training for another week. I felt terrible on the night where I had to report to Pasir Ris Bus Interchange. The only thing I can tell myself is that I will be out soon as the weekend will come. I told myself that since I have been through 14 days of training, what is that compared to 4 days? My parents did not know how I felt then and I did not want to them to worry about me.
After the adjustment period, training became tougher as we were being punished for anything that we do wrong. I understand that discipline is very important and I accept whatever punishment the sergeants or officers throw at us. However, I was not used to such intense physical exercise and hence, it was quite a challenge for me to brush it off as extra physical training. As time passes, I became more and more fearful of these “extra physical training” which leads me to dread coming back to Tekong before each book in. Also, I began to feel insecure and afraid of everything I do.
Each book in day became a nightmare for me and my parents as I would start to break down and cry. Many would have adapted to the army lifestyle by then but I did not know why I felt dread going bad so terribly. My parents were always encouraging me to be strong and not think so much about training. My grandmother who is sick was also encouraging me, although she did not know that I was facing problems. I guess that further motivates me to persevere through training and accept whatever that comes my way. It was both physically and mentally tiring for me and sometimes I really want to give up because I feel as if I will go mad soon.
It took quite a lot of me to endure through 9 weeks of BMT before deciding to seek help from the Orientation Officer (OO), Mr Chia. I thought that everything would be fine after I went through field camp since it is said to be the toughest part of BMT. However, my grandmother’s condition worsened while I was away and this makes me feel more affected during training. That was when I felt that I could not carry on with training any longer because I would break down most of the time in camp and I feel terrible. The OO referred me to the medical officer (MO) and I was diagnosed with depression. I was given the choice of whether I wish to continue with training or go out of training. The sergeants and officers were very nice as they encouraged me to persevere on for the remaining one month. It took me quite some time before I decided to go out of training because I guess I need this break for me to get my problems resolved before moving on.
All in all, BMT is actually not that bad as you get to learn things you may have not learnt before. For me, it is definitely a new experience and quite an enriching one too. It was my first time holding and handling a real weapon, my first time putting on camou cream on my face, my first time living out in the open for 7 consecutive days without bathing and my first time getting so dirty. All this training has made me tougher physically even though I am still depressed and I will definitely not forget the time I have spent in Mohawk Company.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
How's life after being an OOT for almost 2 weeks? Alright I guess...
Glad to have one thing in my mind cleared today. Praise God for answering my prayer! Hmmm... I have a feeling that I will go senile soon... At such a young age too... These few days (or rather the past few weeks), my memory is so bad that I can even forget what I want to do even though I have just thought about it a second before. Also, I have difficulty understanding people too (Maybe just my sergeants and officers... I don't know). Sigh... Is it a sign? Hmmm...
I am made to watch Jarhead and write an essay regarding how I persevered 9 weeks of training before choosing to go out of training. The movie is sounds nice when described by one of the sergeants. But after watching it, it seems that my fear for war has increased! Seeing the marines getting so enthusiastic and cheerful seeing bombs being dropped on villages with many innocent people living in it really scares me. How sadistic can they get? We are dealing with innocent lives here for God's sake. And when the staff sergeant in the movie ask the soldiers to throw away one of the ten commandments (Thou shalt not kill), I was like.... haiz... sad... Why must a war be started? Why must our peace be threatened? Oh well... I guess its just me, being afraid of this and that. Sigh...
For the past 3 days, I've been visiting my grandmother. Things does not look promising at this stage. My grandmother is getting weaker and weaker each day. I really don't want to see her suffer like this. But then again, I don't want to see her go too. I guess that's a selfish thought. Sigh...
My status will end on monday and I am beginning to feel a little crazy again. Haiz... problems problems problems... dumb me... God will help me... I know... Its all up to me now, ain't it?
Jesus loves me yes I know, For the bible tells me so...
Glad to have one thing in my mind cleared today. Praise God for answering my prayer! Hmmm... I have a feeling that I will go senile soon... At such a young age too... These few days (or rather the past few weeks), my memory is so bad that I can even forget what I want to do even though I have just thought about it a second before. Also, I have difficulty understanding people too (Maybe just my sergeants and officers... I don't know). Sigh... Is it a sign? Hmmm...
I am made to watch Jarhead and write an essay regarding how I persevered 9 weeks of training before choosing to go out of training. The movie is sounds nice when described by one of the sergeants. But after watching it, it seems that my fear for war has increased! Seeing the marines getting so enthusiastic and cheerful seeing bombs being dropped on villages with many innocent people living in it really scares me. How sadistic can they get? We are dealing with innocent lives here for God's sake. And when the staff sergeant in the movie ask the soldiers to throw away one of the ten commandments (Thou shalt not kill), I was like.... haiz... sad... Why must a war be started? Why must our peace be threatened? Oh well... I guess its just me, being afraid of this and that. Sigh...
For the past 3 days, I've been visiting my grandmother. Things does not look promising at this stage. My grandmother is getting weaker and weaker each day. I really don't want to see her suffer like this. But then again, I don't want to see her go too. I guess that's a selfish thought. Sigh...
My status will end on monday and I am beginning to feel a little crazy again. Haiz... problems problems problems... dumb me... God will help me... I know... Its all up to me now, ain't it?
Jesus loves me yes I know, For the bible tells me so...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Wow... It had been a long time since I last blogged. The reason for my long absence is that I am currently serving the nation. Sigh... that's where everything begins...
I guess was not ready when I was enlisted. I started out NS in a wrong state of mind. Feeling troubled, worried and home sick. At first things went out pretty well for me. The experience in the army is indeed valuable, for me at least. Never in my life have I sweat like no body's business and never in my life did I smell like a one million smelly old socks soaked in water together with rotten fishes. I've learnt many many things like how to handle a rifle, the different types of formations and methods to handle an enemy attack or attack an enemy, putting on green and black cream on your face and eating food which have a nice name but actually tasted disgusting. haha... all my firsts... My fitness and appetite definitely improved after I entered the army and I have become much tanner than before.
Sigh... Currently, I am out of training because the doctor said that I have depression. I opted for it. There are many many things on my mind which i really don't know how to say. I don't know why i feel like this and I don't know if I've made the right choice. I know God is always by my side but I don't know why I just feel so helpless, so lonely, so... sad... Because of this my parents were very affected and extremely upset about it. It really hurts me to see my parents like this but I just can't seem to control my emotions. At least I know that there are people who really care for me. My sergeants are really very nice to me and I don't know how to thank them. Even during field camp, my platoon sergeants and section commanders are always helping me. But I still end up feeling this way...
Now, I am referred to a psychiatrist for depression and I will see how things go. Being out of training (OOT) is not that bad after all. I am excused from staying in camp for 2 weeks meaning that i will be in camp from 8 to 5/6pm during weekdays and timing for saturday depends. As an OOT, we do admin stuff and help out when needed. Otherwise, we will be in the company office waiting for orders.
Praise God for guiding me through so far for the past 2 months. I know there is 1 month more to go but I guess i just needed this break from training. Let's see what God has installed for me for the next two years. My A level results will be out soon and I don't know if I will do well for it... Sigh... Hopefully, everything turns out well.
A love hate relationship with Mohawk Company... haiz...
I guess was not ready when I was enlisted. I started out NS in a wrong state of mind. Feeling troubled, worried and home sick. At first things went out pretty well for me. The experience in the army is indeed valuable, for me at least. Never in my life have I sweat like no body's business and never in my life did I smell like a one million smelly old socks soaked in water together with rotten fishes. I've learnt many many things like how to handle a rifle, the different types of formations and methods to handle an enemy attack or attack an enemy, putting on green and black cream on your face and eating food which have a nice name but actually tasted disgusting. haha... all my firsts... My fitness and appetite definitely improved after I entered the army and I have become much tanner than before.
Sigh... Currently, I am out of training because the doctor said that I have depression. I opted for it. There are many many things on my mind which i really don't know how to say. I don't know why i feel like this and I don't know if I've made the right choice. I know God is always by my side but I don't know why I just feel so helpless, so lonely, so... sad... Because of this my parents were very affected and extremely upset about it. It really hurts me to see my parents like this but I just can't seem to control my emotions. At least I know that there are people who really care for me. My sergeants are really very nice to me and I don't know how to thank them. Even during field camp, my platoon sergeants and section commanders are always helping me. But I still end up feeling this way...
Now, I am referred to a psychiatrist for depression and I will see how things go. Being out of training (OOT) is not that bad after all. I am excused from staying in camp for 2 weeks meaning that i will be in camp from 8 to 5/6pm during weekdays and timing for saturday depends. As an OOT, we do admin stuff and help out when needed. Otherwise, we will be in the company office waiting for orders.
Praise God for guiding me through so far for the past 2 months. I know there is 1 month more to go but I guess i just needed this break from training. Let's see what God has installed for me for the next two years. My A level results will be out soon and I don't know if I will do well for it... Sigh... Hopefully, everything turns out well.
A love hate relationship with Mohawk Company... haiz...