Montpressivo III

Well well well... Montfort Chorale had their concert on Friday. It was a combined concert with Westwood Secondary and the overall performance wasn't that fantastic. Apparently, the concert should be named as Westwoodssivo rather than Montpressivo since Westwood took away all the lime light.... Haha... They are definitely better than Montfort Chorale but I feel that being the guest choir, they should at least give the main choir more performance time. Oh well, its the conductor's decision so I shall not comment much.

Montfort Chorale's entrance into CHIJMES was very very impressive as it was like a procession. Their conductor did a solo performance as he walked into the hall and he was followed closely behind by the choir. All the lights were off and the choir members were holding candles as they walked in. So cool! Well, the first two songs, "Procession" and "When Jesus Wept", were the best songs for the concert. The rest were not that bad (but not that good either). So, no complains. Anyway, the seniors (including me) are already not impressed by their concert booklet (we paid 12 dollars for a piece of photocopied paper) so we were already quite pissed with the planning. However, us being nice and forgiving seniors (ha!) continued to cheer them on... Hehe... since we are so not forgotten...

Overall, its quite heart warming to see them put up their third installment of Montpressivo. How I wish their standard can improve... Haiz... Hopefully things will change for the better. Anyway, after the concert, the alumni went on stage and sang "One Single Light"! woot! We rock! haha... however, due to my lousy piano skills, we stopped singing in the middle of the song. But it was quite tactical lar (It sounded like the song has ended... heez). The greatest part of all was when both the alumni and the choir sang "The Battle of Jericho" and I conducted them. Haha... very nice to see that there is actually one song which both the alumni and present choir members can sing together... Although it was two completely different interpretations, we still managed to pull it off lar... So no complains... ha! So glad that so many alumni peeps can make it for the concert. 4 couples came... (increase from the 1 last year) Hiak hiak hiak...

After the concert, we went our separated ways. The 4 meridians went to Suntec Carls Jr while the 3 couples plus a few others went to Marina Carls Jr. (Not that we want to go separate ways ok... we actually wanted to have dinner together but in fear of being light bulbs, the four meridians decided to separate from them... hiakz...).

At Carls Jr, we managed to teach Jason CKL some life skills (you really don't want to know what questions he asked when he was there... haha) which is important for him to break out of his mountain tortoise shell and be freed from the sua ku spirit that was possessing him for the last 16 years. Oh well... the four of us were very crazy on the way there and even at Carls Jr itself, we were crazy. (Many people has given us THE stare...) What to do... We are so proud to be Meridians what... haha =X Anyway, here are the photos we took at Carls Jr...

We call ourselves the J^3 S aka J cubeS (3 generation of Meridians =D)

Look... What Dumb faces we have? =X

Trying to look Dao...

Meridian Medley Cheer!! Wheeeeee! (We are so loyal... ha!)

*Born of a vision to be the best... Rising above the rest...*

Prisoners of Meridian (the POMs)

That's all... Imagine how traumatised the group of working adults behind us were.... =X

Time has really passed so quickly! So fast, 2 of my branchmates have left us... Sad... Furthermore, my branch will be separated this coming September and more will be leaving. Sigh... How saddening... I guess it won't feel the same once our working environment changes. Haiz...

Oh well, its going to be busy busy busy time for me now. I've realised that there are still so many things to do now and so many things to handle. Beginning to lose sleep again. This is baaaaaad. It's times like this where I will start to become irritating. So pardon me for my behaviour. For the past few days, I've become so childish! Oh my gosh! And I am beginning to irritate myself (How weird). Hopefully I can refresh myself this weekend.

I shan't go on with my blabbings since my sentences are getting shorter and shorter now. (Hmmmm... I wonder...) Anyway, here are some photos of my branch. Nice ones!

Informal shot of the Loggies!

Young Loggies at table 2 (The young ppl who ORD next year excluding kelvin....)

My Boss and his birthday cake!

Loggies past and present!

All of us in the restaurant

Sigh sigh sigh... How I wish my term will end... Haiz...

None But Jesus by Hillsong

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are my God
In the secret of your presence
I know that I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

Chorus:
There is no one else but You
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos
In confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

Chorus:
There is no one else but You
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
There is no one else but You
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

Bridge:
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

Chorus:
There is no one else but You
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
There is no one else but You
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I love this song so so much... So meaningful. Reminds me of all the things God has done for me! Calms my nerves too! =)

Oh well... Montfort Chorale is in quite a disastrous state. Hopefully things will turn out well.

I'm beginning to feel very tired and worried over some things. Hopefully things will be fine.

Sigh... There is no one else but You! None but Jesus!

I am super duper tired now. I am both physically and mentally tired now! Physically because of yesterday's graduation parade. It was my first time helping out in the parade and it is certainly a very interesting experience for me. I helped to set up the refreshment counter for the parents and the VIPs and it can be damn tiring as we had to sit in the reception room and wait for the VIP to arrive (That's tiring... ha!). The more tiring part is to prepare the drinks, carry the stuff over to the reception area and set up the place.

Ah well... Many things had to be done prior to this GP. Things like preparing the AOR, buying 100 plus, refreshments and servicing of equipment. This is where I am mentally drained. Haha... Because I have burst my budget for this year and many problems have arised. The system gave me so much problem and all I can do is to panic everyday. I think I gave my finance officer a lot of trouble too haha... We have to call each other so frequently everyday for the past week. Oh well... Luckily everything is settled now.

Haiz... anyway, my upperstudy has ORD-ed. And I am left quite alone... At least I am more familiar with my job scope and the terms used now compared to two months back when I was so blur. Hopefully i can survive the rest of my NS days arh... Hmmmm... hopefully...

Some pics from La Risonanza III...

MJChoir alumni rehearsing on stage

The male chorus of MJChoir

MJChoir Alumni backstage while the main choir is preparing to enter stage outside... haha

MJChoir Alumni with Mr Yong (Took this using timer mode =) )

MJChoir on stage performing "Sunset Boulevard"!!

The choir in another position during the musical

Our 3 wonderful soloists! Charissa, Ying Chuan and Rachel!

Meridian Junior College Choir Presents

"La Risonanza III"

MJChoir Rocks!!! Woohoo!! Their concert was great!! My juniors did well and sang well! Their hard work really paid off man! MJChoir Alumni made their debut yesterday too and I guess we did well too. Although not really great, but at least we sang as an alumni! woohoo! I am so glad that i joined them for the concert. I had thoughts of redrawing from the performance initially as I wasn't sure if I am ready. But God has guided me and there i was, standing in front of the audience with the alumni singing my hearts out! We were rather nervous back stage before the concert. But we prayed together, encouraged each other and had fun together. It was really hard for us as we only got full strength a few days before the concert but we did it anyway. Sigh... How I wish the alumni would continue to grow and one day we will have a full choir.

Yesterday's concert really made me thought back about my past as a choir. Standing up there in the circles seat, watching my juniors perform the musical, made me think about the ups and downs the choir had gone through for the past two years when I was there. I really hoped that I could be part of them again! Sigh... But time has indeed pass so quickly and here I am, serving NS. Somehow, thinking back about the concert now makes me miss the choir even more... haha... Anyway, the choir has grown both in strength and standard and that is definitely a good thing and I am so happy for them!! By the way, I must really thank those who came for the concert. Especially DY, Alan, Andre and Andy!!! The four of them rushed over from Tekong just to support me and I am so touched! It's really very nice of them to come down to support me but too bad, they have to leave after first half. Oh well, really glad to know that they can make it. Of course not forgetting Chase! Lim Kian Heng for his beautiful flower and Choon for being there. haha...

Oh well, for the past few days, I've been attending this storeman course at Sembawang Camp. Gosh! It is a totally new environment for me. The people there are mostly smokers and most of them are from ITE. Not that I have anything against them but I really can't stand their behaviour in class and even when they march! Aiyooo!! Never in my life have I ever been to such a noisy class! Haha... But the instructors there are super nice and there is one more day left before the course ends. So I might as well bear with it. Haiz... This is my very first time missing Tekong! haha... The food at Sembawang is really very very very un-appetising. The place really makes me feel demoralised. I think I am too attached to my office.... Haiz... I will be back soon anyway and now I don't mind sitting the ferry to and fro anymore... haha...

Okay. Enough of my rantings. I really have to thank God for guiding me through this far! I thank him for all the wonderful memories that he has showered upon me and most importantly, thank him for being there for me all the time when I needed him. Praise God!

Here are some photos taken during the Carls Junior outing with some of the Loggies!

Dy, Ex Dy, Alan, Me, Andre and Andy!

Finance clerk, armskote cum signal spec (aka Pao Ga Liao), ration spec and signal spec!Me and Alan

Another month has past so quickly! I guess things have changed quite alot for me for this past month. I seem to be much happier now since I am working in such a friendly environment. I'm beginning to like my job as a finance clerk although I'm still picking up things along the way. Generally, I feel closer to the branch now and I am really happy to be there. Sigh... Hopefully my branch won't be splitted up after the merger which I find pointless. Sigh... My boss is just so nice. My colleagues too! Woot!! Had a gunbound session with my colleagues yesterday night and it was actually fun! haha... Oh well... I shall be patient and let God's plan unfold before me...

Anyway, I got accepted into NUS!! Woohoo!! And I was given my first choice too, Science. Hopefully I will be able to study Applied Chemistry because no matter how much I want to be a teacher, I still want to keep my options open. You'll never know what teaching is like until you have experienced it.

Sigh... Now I will have to pass my IPPT if I don't wish to recourse. I really don't want to recourse but I am so afraid that I will not pass my IPPT. I'm like quite far away from the pass that I should obtain because I have not been exercising for like close to 2 months. The only way to start training myself is to stay-in in camp so that I can go to the gym or run with them. But then again, I'm still rather afraid of staying-in. Sometimes I really want to stay in with them but somehow, I seem to give in to my fears. The stories I hear are not helping much too. Its like you want to hear those stories but once you hear it, you begin to be scared of this and that. ARGH!! What to do? What to do? I shall just pray about it and ask God for guidance. Sigh... what a dilema...

Meridian Choir Concert is coming!!!! I REALLY WANT TO PERFORM WITH THE ALUMNI!! Sigh... But the stupid storeman course makes it quite difficult for me to take part in this performance. Hopefully I will be able to rush down from Sembawang camp immediately after the course. Hopefully, the course will end early. Let's just see how things go. By the way, let me make an advertisement here... haha... Wonder if anyone will read this but...

Meridian Junior College Choir Proudly Presents

"La Risonanza III"

Date: 10 May 2006, Wednesday

Time: 7.30pm

Venue: Victoria Concert Hall

Tickets are sold at $12 and its free seating!

Come on down and support us!!!! Woohoo!!!

Haiyer... So fast... one week has past since the chalet ended. Wow! I had a great time at the chalet last week. Cycling around with my friends, cycling to Meridian with choon and chase... woot... fun! And chase and I were talking throughout the night about God knows what (Always changing topics... we link topics very well u see...) while choon listen to us talk while pretending to be asleep. We relived our childhood days that night. Wah... it was super funny playing the flying saucer thing with them. Oh well... all good things must come to an end... haiz...

Anyway, I have officially taken over the job as finance clerk. After 3 days of training at selarang camp, my eyes almost dropped out because i have to look through pages and pages of numbers to find the matching documents. Auditing documents can be super boring and tough man. Hopefully I will be able to survive arh... My upper study will be on leave soon and I still have many things to prepare and ask before the financial year opens which is just next week. Oh man.... Hopefully I will be out of tekong alive... dook ching... One thing's for sure, i seem to prefer tekong more than other camps in Singapore because tekong is like more cosy and "new-looking" than the camps i've been to so far. Haiz... if only BMTC is on mainland.... that would be so much better.

I guess I am feeling better now although there are occasional disturbing feelings that arise within me... I'm still as blur as ever, still trying to understand what ppl is trying to say (although i have no problem understanding my friends and family.... hmmm...), still trying to control myself. I am still very lost as to how to move on and how to get through this. The feeling of not knowing what will happen... Sigh... may the 7 of december 2007 come quickly! Oh well, let me just carry out God's plan for me and try not to bother about things which will not help me in life.

Being a storeman at HQ is not that bad after all. The people at Log Branch are super nice and I guess staying in as a perm staff is not as bad as staying in as a recruit. Firstly, you get more freedom as you can do what you want at night. Secondly, you can sleep at whatever time you like and lastly, you can get up later than usual. Haiz... I guess I am just a trouble maker... causing so much trouble for everyone... Why am I like that? How I wish i can feel better... In fact, I know God has helped me relax and stay calm for the past few days... So i am so thankful for that! Hopefully, tomorrow will be better... we shall see...

"Hallelujah! Jesus is alive!"

At long last, after so many months, I get to return back to Montfort to see the choir. I guess the choir has improved a little under their new conductor so I'm not complaining. However, their discipline is still as bad as ever... haiz...

Anyway, the choir had their party today and it's great to see my juniors again (even though there are many many unfamiliar faces). After so many months, I got to meet Choon and theo! haha... Of course not forgetting Alvin and Ernest (Although I just met them yesterday... =X) Very happy to be able to see all of them again after so so long...

Going back to Montfort brings back so many wonderful memories I had in the school. Choon, Ernest and I lingered around the physical fitness station talking and talking... How relaxing... How I wish I can just relive all these memories again... How I wish I can become the happy Jeremy that I used to be... How I wish I will not be so worried over anything like how I was in the past... sigh... I've grown to become a timid person...

By the way, Miss Loh left Montfort to join Sembawang Sec. Poor thing... Being tortured by the students there. Sigh... Although, Miss Loh and I were not that close, but I still visit her office with Choon and Chase in the past. It was so fun then. Choon will always joke around in the office with Miss Loh and we will laugh our heads off in her office. Sigh... now that she is in another school, we will not be able to enter that Science office ever again. Oh well...

I am posted back to BMTC (stupid island named tekong) as a storeman (euphemised as supply assistant). Sigh... Hopefully I get to stay out and get an 8-5 job... Let God's will be done... Shall see what a storeman does tomorrow... Wish me luck!

"One Single Light...."

Time passes so quickly (I think i have said this too many times... =X)... 1 week since my grandma was cremated. All of us miss our grandma dearly. Sigh... I guess we have to really move on and not brood over it... There are stories that my grandma had visited us during the 7 day period starting from.

Last Sunday night, both my father and I dreamt of my grandma. My father said that my grandmother told him that she is very happy that everyone had turn up for her wake and that even those overseas rushed back to attend her funeral. I hope she is really happy and peaceful in the kingdom of God now. My dream was rather spooky... haha... I dreamt that my whole family was at my grandmother's old house. Suddenly, my grandmother appear beside my aunt and take a look at her. After that, she disappeared again. Then, she appeared beside another person, look at her and disappeared again. I was shouting, "ah ma! ah ma!" and she looked at me, put her fingers to her lips and called me to keep quiet... haha... It seems that only i can see her and no one else can. What a dream... My mother said that she put a packet of rice on top of the rice container one night and the next morning when she looked at it, the packet of rice seems to have depressions on it, as though someone has grabbed it... Hmmmmmm...

Then my cousin told me that one day when her family was eating at the dining table with the television on, the television suddenly switched off by itself. The television was not spoilt at all as the small red light signalling that there is power to the TV was there. Then my cousin went to on it and it seems to be working perfectly well.... hmmmmmm.... My cousin also told me that her mother (my aunt... duh) dreamt of my grandma smiling at her two times the same night.... ooooh

Haiz... I shall just look forward to the future gatherings I am going to have with my family...

Anyway, I have finally stayed in camp (Not that i am keen in staying in at all). The first day was super terrifying for me because I was so scared of staying in, so scared of the place, so scared of the officer... I actually wanted to report sick and get myself warded. But praise God! God guided me through the pass few days, helping me not to get myself warded. Sigh... I went to see the doctor on thursday to show him the letter from my psychiatrist. He gave me sleeping pills because i told him i could not sleep. The sleeping pills were extremely effective. I have been feeling so so sleepy even when i woke up the next day. Wooot! I've been sleeping in the office for the pass few days... haha... Was really very very tired. I don't know why.

My company will be POP-ing soon. At last their 3 months of will be coming to an end soon. Sigh... Glad to know that my platoon, especially my section, are so concern about me and are so caring. Haiz... hopefully I can get out of Tekong soon. I want to leave that place and start my NS life anew somewhere else. I guess I have grown to be scared of that environment. May God guide me and bless us all! Hallelujah!

Will be booking in tomorrow. All i need is to bear with it for 2 days and 2 nights and I will be out soon. Let's just hope that i will be ok for the next few days...

Praise God! I got my A level results today. I have been praying and hoping that I could get what I aimed for. And once again, God has answered my prayer. I got A for Chemistry and Maths and a B for Biology. C5 for GP, a pass! haha... Praise God!

I went to see the psychiatrist today. He downgraded me temporarily to PES C1 L1 which means there is no combat training for me. He also referred me to a counsellor. And he said if I am to have another break down tomorrow, I am to report sick and i will be warded at Alexandra Hospital. Haiz... I am comforted to hear that but then again, I feel so worried and scared. I don't know why I feel this way at the thought of staying in tomorrow. I was shivering just now for no apparent reason. haiz... What's wrong with me? Oh Lord, please help me stay calm and relaxed.

Whatever it is, I should be happy for getting such good grades! Congratulations to the 7 wanderers for great improvements in their results!!! Especially to Meng Yang, Wee Ling and Xiu Li (Xue Li) for getting straigt As!!!!! Praise God!

I shall post some photos of my ang moh nephew and niece. The photos were taken during my grandma's wake... sigh... I miss my grandma...

So fast... It has been 6 days since my grandmother passed away. I am glad to be able to be there for the wake through the 5 days... Praise God! Sigh...

I just don't know how to describe my feelings now. I miss my grandmother a lot and I feel so empty, knowing that I will never get to see her again. Many thoughts ran through my mind for the pass 6 days. I remembered how she waved goodbye at me last Saturday. I remembered her last words for me and my brother were "guai guai gao gao", meaning, be good. I remembered how thin she was and how sick she looked. I remembered how strong she used to be. I remembered how lonely she used to be, staying alone all by herself in a big apartment with no one accompanying her during weekdays. I remembered how I used to visit her on Saturdays when I was small. Sigh... All these things will remain in my memory from now on...

My father said that my grandma passed away peacefully and I am glad to hear that. I'm just sad that I was not able to be there with her during her last moments. I guess its my grandmother's death that brings the whole family together. My cousins who lived overseas came back. Even my ang moh nephew and niece came. The whole family was there, gathered together for once. My uncle said my grandmother was worried that the whole family will split after she pass away. But I'm glad to hear that the whole family agreed to meet up for a gathering once a month.

Everything happened so quickly... Time passes so quickly... My whole family was sad. All misunderstandings were cleared today as a family meeting was held at the columbarium where my grandmother's ashes lie. I just hope I can move on from here and just be glad that my grandma has gone to heaven and enter God's kindom...

"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believed in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Through it all

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons

Cover me with Your hands

And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You

And I wait on You

I'll sing to you Lord

A hymn of love

For Your faithfulness to me

I'm carried in everlasting arms

You'll never let me go

Through it all

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons

Cover me with Your hands

And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to you

And I wait on you

I'll sing to you Lord

A hymn of love

For Your faithfulness to me

I'm carried in everlasting arms

You'll never let me go

Through it all

I didn't have the chance to see her for the last time... haiz... May my grandmother rest in peace...

Sigh... My grandmother is really getting weaker and weaker each day. I've been feeling real guilty for the past few weeks. I guess I took my grandmother for granted in the past. I rarely visited her and would even throw stupid tantrums over nothing, making life diffcult for both my parents and my grandmother. My grandmother is really very pitiful. When she was well, not many would visit her and she would live alone, all by herself, in her old apartment. My mother told me that my grandmother told her that she only get to see her children when she is sick. It really saddens me to hear her say that. It makes me feel even more guilty listening to that because it is until now that I start treasuring my grandmother's presence.

I know her time is very short now. She may go anytime now. I will have to be strong and brave through this. God is by my side and I know that God will help my grandmother be peaceful. I don't wish to see her suffer but at the same time, I wish I could do something to pay back all the mistakes that I have done. At least now I learn to love my grandmother more. Praise God for teaching me this lesson. But is it too late for me to make up for the time I've wasted by not seeing her?

An essay which I was told to write..

This is dedicated to the future recruits of Mohawk Company.

A new chapter of my life began on 8 of December 2005, where I know I will face new challenges and things which I will definitely not get used to. When I first stepped on Pulau Tekong, I have no idea what I will be doing there for the next 13 weeks. All I know is that life will definitely be tough and I will have to face it bravely.

The first few days of BMT seems really long to me because I was beginning to miss home and people back at home; especially my grandmother who is very sick. Even before I entered BMT, I was already facing problems in friendship. Therefore, it was definitely hard for me to try and live the confinement period. My only motivation to carry on with training is home and my parents’ encouragement. Things were not that bad for me through the 14 days of the confinement period. My problem begins during my first book in.

I guess most of us will have this strong feeling during our first book in too. Most of us will definitely feel very demoralized and saddened by the fact that we have to leave our homes and go back for training for another week. I felt terrible on the night where I had to report to Pasir Ris Bus Interchange. The only thing I can tell myself is that I will be out soon as the weekend will come. I told myself that since I have been through 14 days of training, what is that compared to 4 days? My parents did not know how I felt then and I did not want to them to worry about me.

After the adjustment period, training became tougher as we were being punished for anything that we do wrong. I understand that discipline is very important and I accept whatever punishment the sergeants or officers throw at us. However, I was not used to such intense physical exercise and hence, it was quite a challenge for me to brush it off as extra physical training. As time passes, I became more and more fearful of these “extra physical training” which leads me to dread coming back to Tekong before each book in. Also, I began to feel insecure and afraid of everything I do.

Each book in day became a nightmare for me and my parents as I would start to break down and cry. Many would have adapted to the army lifestyle by then but I did not know why I felt dread going bad so terribly. My parents were always encouraging me to be strong and not think so much about training. My grandmother who is sick was also encouraging me, although she did not know that I was facing problems. I guess that further motivates me to persevere through training and accept whatever that comes my way. It was both physically and mentally tiring for me and sometimes I really want to give up because I feel as if I will go mad soon.

It took quite a lot of me to endure through 9 weeks of BMT before deciding to seek help from the Orientation Officer (OO), Mr Chia. I thought that everything would be fine after I went through field camp since it is said to be the toughest part of BMT. However, my grandmother’s condition worsened while I was away and this makes me feel more affected during training. That was when I felt that I could not carry on with training any longer because I would break down most of the time in camp and I feel terrible. The OO referred me to the medical officer (MO) and I was diagnosed with depression. I was given the choice of whether I wish to continue with training or go out of training. The sergeants and officers were very nice as they encouraged me to persevere on for the remaining one month. It took me quite some time before I decided to go out of training because I guess I need this break for me to get my problems resolved before moving on.

All in all, BMT is actually not that bad as you get to learn things you may have not learnt before. For me, it is definitely a new experience and quite an enriching one too. It was my first time holding and handling a real weapon, my first time putting on camou cream on my face, my first time living out in the open for 7 consecutive days without bathing and my first time getting so dirty. All this training has made me tougher physically even though I am still depressed and I will definitely not forget the time I have spent in Mohawk Company.

How's life after being an OOT for almost 2 weeks? Alright I guess...

Glad to have one thing in my mind cleared today. Praise God for answering my prayer! Hmmm... I have a feeling that I will go senile soon... At such a young age too... These few days (or rather the past few weeks), my memory is so bad that I can even forget what I want to do even though I have just thought about it a second before. Also, I have difficulty understanding people too (Maybe just my sergeants and officers... I don't know). Sigh... Is it a sign? Hmmm...

I am made to watch Jarhead and write an essay regarding how I persevered 9 weeks of training before choosing to go out of training. The movie is sounds nice when described by one of the sergeants. But after watching it, it seems that my fear for war has increased! Seeing the marines getting so enthusiastic and cheerful seeing bombs being dropped on villages with many innocent people living in it really scares me. How sadistic can they get? We are dealing with innocent lives here for God's sake. And when the staff sergeant in the movie ask the soldiers to throw away one of the ten commandments (Thou shalt not kill), I was like.... haiz... sad... Why must a war be started? Why must our peace be threatened? Oh well... I guess its just me, being afraid of this and that. Sigh...

For the past 3 days, I've been visiting my grandmother. Things does not look promising at this stage. My grandmother is getting weaker and weaker each day. I really don't want to see her suffer like this. But then again, I don't want to see her go too. I guess that's a selfish thought. Sigh...

My status will end on monday and I am beginning to feel a little crazy again. Haiz... problems problems problems... dumb me... God will help me... I know... Its all up to me now, ain't it?

Jesus loves me yes I know, For the bible tells me so...

Wow... It had been a long time since I last blogged. The reason for my long absence is that I am currently serving the nation. Sigh... that's where everything begins...

I guess was not ready when I was enlisted. I started out NS in a wrong state of mind. Feeling troubled, worried and home sick. At first things went out pretty well for me. The experience in the army is indeed valuable, for me at least. Never in my life have I sweat like no body's business and never in my life did I smell like a one million smelly old socks soaked in water together with rotten fishes. I've learnt many many things like how to handle a rifle, the different types of formations and methods to handle an enemy attack or attack an enemy, putting on green and black cream on your face and eating food which have a nice name but actually tasted disgusting. haha... all my firsts... My fitness and appetite definitely improved after I entered the army and I have become much tanner than before.

Sigh... Currently, I am out of training because the doctor said that I have depression. I opted for it. There are many many things on my mind which i really don't know how to say. I don't know why i feel like this and I don't know if I've made the right choice. I know God is always by my side but I don't know why I just feel so helpless, so lonely, so... sad... Because of this my parents were very affected and extremely upset about it. It really hurts me to see my parents like this but I just can't seem to control my emotions. At least I know that there are people who really care for me. My sergeants are really very nice to me and I don't know how to thank them. Even during field camp, my platoon sergeants and section commanders are always helping me. But I still end up feeling this way...

Now, I am referred to a psychiatrist for depression and I will see how things go. Being out of training (OOT) is not that bad after all. I am excused from staying in camp for 2 weeks meaning that i will be in camp from 8 to 5/6pm during weekdays and timing for saturday depends. As an OOT, we do admin stuff and help out when needed. Otherwise, we will be in the company office waiting for orders.

Praise God for guiding me through so far for the past 2 months. I know there is 1 month more to go but I guess i just needed this break from training. Let's see what God has installed for me for the next two years. My A level results will be out soon and I don't know if I will do well for it... Sigh... Hopefully, everything turns out well.

A love hate relationship with Mohawk Company... haiz...